i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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