just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
