did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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