Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
