Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
