I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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