I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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