where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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