You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
