So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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