I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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