Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
