i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
