Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
