There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
