Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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