We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
