My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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