sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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