Porn is love you can see.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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