Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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