Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
