Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
