I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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