the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
