Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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