thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
A bitchslap is in order.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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