It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm too high and old for this...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
