Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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