she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
