the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
