birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i drank out of a bidet.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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