life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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