I love black thongs
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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