I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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