Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
