Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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