So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
