My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
