I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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