Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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