If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
