There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
