I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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