She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
