My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
