we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
