Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
