Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
so much tequila, so little girl.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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