The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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