so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
